Tis the Season

Gosh I wish I was young again. Maybe then I wouldn’t be such a cynic. But now, properly jaded at the ripe old age of twenty five, I sincerely dread the holiday of Christmas.

Here are the reasons that Christmas has ceased to be cool:

1.       Human beings … EVERYWHERE.

First, last night I went to drive home at the end of my long and tedious work day.

A commute which should take about twenty minutes took forty five.

I had to travel miles out of my way through roads I didn’t even know existed to get home.

Do you know why?

Because of HOLIDAY traffic.

Because some people are lucky enough to have this week off or just not work at all and have to sit their lazy asses in front of my car. Or they are buying into the rampant commercialism of the season. Or they just don’t know how to drive.

In any case, get the hell out of my way. I just want to go home and isolate.

Then, the night prior (mind you, it was a MONDAY night) I made the utterly ignorant mistake of gracing the doorway of a mall. Not only was it Monday but it was NINE PM. I thought I was safe. Guess again. Everyone and their short bus riding mother was jam packed in that hell hole. Oh and that was AFTER getting in an argument with the inept employees at Lowes who didn’t know how to process a return.  Joy to the world and looking forward to tonight.

2.       The concept of gifts.

There are so many reasons I hate this concept. Let’s start at the first.

I don’t know what to get people.

Ever.

I could be your twin separated at birth and I still won’t know what to get you. I am an absolute clueless gift giver. Surprising people is pretty much out of the question because I am either too insecure about my gifts to think outside of the box or I have too little of a memory to remember something you may have mentioned in the past. When it comes down to it, I just SUCK at giving gifts.

 Second, it costs a crap load of money which could be put to better use.

Now don’t get me wrong, I will spend thousands on someone I love and not think twice about it (well that was a lie but you know … usually price isn’t a factor unless we are talking a Lexus). However, I find there could be much better uses of both my and your money such as saving for a vacation (or for that Lexus). I guess I am just a natural born saver (thanks Dad!).  While I should be so happy about giving and receiving gifts all I am worried about is how not only my credit card statement is looking but how yours is going to look as well.

Oh, you shouldn’t have … really. I mean it.

3.       Christmas music.

It SUCKS.

All of it.

It is overdone, same thing over and over, every single year. How many times do I have to listen to bells jingling, Santa on your roof and commercialism put to music? And those stations that play Christmas music for like thirty days? What in GOD’S name (literally - in the baby JESUS’S name) are you thinking? I do believe we could torture the terrorists into admitting every transgression just by making them listen to Star 99 nonstop every day from Thanksgiving to Christmas.

Christmas music does not cheer me up. It makes me angry. It annoys me. It especially annoys me when I am sitting in traffic trying to get to the mall to buy gifts and it is playing on every station (please refer back to 1&2). Don’t worry; I promptly change the station to hip hop. Ah, cash and hoes, now that’s more like it!

4.       Forced social situations.

Thankfully this year there are less than normal because I try to avoid any party situation if possible.  Plus my place of employment didn’t have a Christmas get together (no comment). However, any time of the year is a horrible time of the year for a forced social situation. It just seems they happen more frequently during the holiday season. Somehow people come up with the brilliant idea that we all need to gather, sit around, eat, gain weight and tell bullshit lies about how great our lives are in order to get in the holiday spirit. Well guess what? Everything isn’t always hunky dory here, but congrats on your AWESOME life. Now I will proceed to avoid you until this time next year.

5.       The weather.

OMGZ I hope it is a white Christmas!!!

Well guess what? I DON’T.

Do you know why?

Because I HATE snow.

I HATE precipitation.

I HATE that I live in a place with four seasons and I especially HATE all of you who get like a fiend that just took a hit of crack when you see snow in the forecast.

The weather this time of year sucks. It is dark, cold and miserable.

Kinda like I am.

6.       The advertisements.

One more “every kiss begins with k” ad and I may vomit. Let’s blissfully ice skate around a picturesque pond punctuated by the miserable snow (see above). But we are so pleasantly happy and do you know why? Because we are in love. And we are getting married. Just like the rest of the known universe. Congrat-u-fucking-lations.

Or how about that Folger’s one where the brother comes home? “You are my present this year” - direct quote from this vomit inducing piece of propaganda.  He says something about Africa and based on that I assume he was on one of those saving the world missions because duh, he is perfect, just like their coffee.

Then we come to the booze commercials followed by the anti-DUI commercials. Mixed messages much?

Let’s start with if you drink Bailey’s you will have an awesome time, followed by hooking up with someone you shouldn’t have, starting an inappropriate fight and getting in the car to head home. Except for watch out! The cops are in full force (insert stern warning here) and there is NOTHING that ruins the holidays more than a dead carcass on the road. So they are going to bust your ass, or you are going to kill someone and ruin this Christmas and every Christmas to follow for their family.

Good times Bailey’s, good times. Please drink responsibly (oxymoron).

Disclaimer: NONE of these commercials make me want anything to do with these companies and I could probably go on about ten more possibly making a post dedicated to ads … something  to think about.

7.       The TV Specials

This should probably fall under the songs because it is along the same lines. Ridiculously sappy, overdone plot line, boring and tedious. This would be fine if they segregated these atrocities to one channel that I could choose not to watch. Yet they have to spread them liberally over normally decent stations that broadcast normally decent programming. When I want to watch a Dateline about a crazed husband killing his wife, I am NOT going to sub it out with a Christmas  movie a second grader could have written. Thanks but no thanks.  

One exception: It’s a Wonderful Life, because it is a classic and has a good message.

So thank you readers for listening to my list of things that make Christmas uncool. I’m sure there are about twenty I am missing because pretty much everything besides the decorations, the food, the people you choose to spend time with and the birth of Jesus sucks. Feel free to add if you can’t stand another facet of Christmas that I have neglected to touch upon

Maybe when I have kids (IF I have kids) I will once more find magic in Christmas.

But until then, BAH HUMBUG.