I'm Just Not Normal ...

I have decided (and not in recent times) that I am absolutely not normal.

In fact anything that normal people do or don’t do, I probably do the opposite. The jury is still out on whether or not this is a blessing or a curse.

Take, for instance, my new found fascination with isolated countries.

 Yes, you read that correct.

Fascination with isolated countries.

I have actually spent at least three hours reading about North Korea on the internet. How North Koreans eat, how they live, how they are persecuted and of course how they are isolated. I could blame it on the recent death of Kim Jung Il but I would be lying. The truth is, I’m just not normal, so I’m just not interested in normal things.

I am willing to bet if I turn around to my co-workers right now and say “Hey, you know what is pretty interesting, North Korea!” they will look at me like I have five heads. Or maybe they won’t because they are desensitized to my abnormality.

 It has gotten that extreme.

People are desensitized.

hat is how not normal I really am.

Okay, so maybe some of you find North Korea fascinating. Allow me to provide for you another example. I am pretty sure that barring any ten year old, I have the most active imagination of any human being alive. I live in an alternate universe. I am imagining all sorts of crazy things at all sorts of crazy times. People wonder why I can’t remember what they say. Here’s the truth, because my imaginary world is far cooler than this one, so I am busy living in it while you are busy talking. I get so wrapped up in my imaginary fog that it actually takes my head a few minutes to readjust to the real world.

 Normal? I think not.

But lots of creative people have active imaginations. Consider JK Rowling or Tolkien. They had to be so wrapped up in a fantasy world they couldn’t even differentiate between real and imaginary, so obviously there are other abnormal people who have managed to become successful. I am abnormal and not successful. Maybe that is the real problem.

Besides isolated countries and imaginary worlds, another one of my abnormal preoccupations is death. Not in the morbid sense, more in the curious sense. As in, “what would happen if so and so died” or “what does it feel like to die” or “what would people do if I died”. I have an entire funeral planned for myself and I have made sure other people know precisely what I want. Usually they try to shut me up and tell me not to talk about it but HELLO everyone dies. This is a fact. So it is necessary to think about every once in a while. Or every day. Whatever suits you.

FYI: My funeral guidelines include no one wearing black, Steph having the right to deny entrance to anyone I did not like in life who comes for show to my services, a bad ass honest eulogy (saying something like Liz was totally NOT normal) and some Ryandan song playing at some period of time.

See? I don’t even want my funeral to be normal. And unless you are eighty you probably don’t have funeral requirements. NOT. NORMAL.

I could probably go on for pages on how I am not like a normal person but I don’t want to bore  you with an abnormal blog post about myself. If you know me, you know what I’m talking about. If you enjoy my company, you may want to assess your level of normalcy or maybe you like me because your level of normalcy is just right and you like a little dose of crazy. Or maybe you don’t like me. Your loss.

One more thing, if anyone tells me there is no such thing as normal I WILL get angry. There IS a such thing as normal, and it is the opposite of me. The end.

Happy Birthday Jesus!

Happy Birthday Jesus & Merry Christmas to everyone!

As much as I dislike certain aspects of the Christmas holiday (see below) I always stop to remember WHY Christmas has even become a holiday in the first place. And of course, it leads us to one thing: the birth of Jesus. Which is a pretty darn good thing, at least for us Christians.

Now here's my issue (because I always have an issue). We have these Athiest people out there pitching a fit over the fact that people put up a nativity scene YET still shopping for Christmas gifts, still participating in the season, etc. Do they not see the hypochrisy in this? Christ-mas. CHRIST'S MASS. So how can you become irrationally irate when someone celebrates Jesus's birth and yet be frequenting the local Target for gifts for your kids? Do you not stop to think how this holiday even came to be?

I have NO problem with Athiests or anyone else who has a belief that may oppose my own so please do not get that idea. My major issue is with the fact that they have to get in the face of people who believe in the birth of Jesus. Leave us alone. Seriously. We believe in God, you don't. Okay, fine. I am not going to tell you to do otherwise. But you have to go demeaning the true meaning of our holiday, while at the same time promoting it through commercialization? Does anyone else see an inconsistency here?

Point being, don't celebrate my holiday and then neglect to acknowledge why it is a holiday in the first place. Or worse, get offended at the reason it is a holiday to begin with.

Even if you don't believe Jesus is the son of God or even a real person, recognize and admire what the man stood for. He accepted everyone as they were. He was compassionate toward people who others deemed hopeless. He layed down his life for his friends. I would say these are some admirable character traits. Keep these in mind today and please, don't take the Christ out of Christmas.

Who Gave YOU A License?

Yippee it’s almost five thirty which means I get to leave work! Should be the most exciting part of my day (sad isn’t it) but instead I am dreading the excruciating ride home.

Oh in theory it should take fifteen minutes. In practice it takes at least double that.

Do you know why? Because someone gave YOU a license. And YOU can’t drive.

Allow me to take you through my ride from Fairfield to Milford.

I enter the highway at exit twenty four. There is a short strip of highway where people are both exiting and entering into the slow lane. I try to ease my car over to enter before the lane ends – with a signal, because unlike everyone else it is not too much effort for me to flick a piece of plastic. As I am politely signaling I am guaranteed my first poor driver of the evening who – while in traffic – will not allow me to merge.
Because he is going to get SO far IN TRAFFIC if my car is not in front of him. That must be his rationale. Totally reasonable and very polite. Merry Christmas to you too.

After finally nudging my way onto the interstate I join the mass of stop and go traffic heading northbound. This is expected and fine and okay until I pick up fool number two. This is one of my favorite types of poor drivers. The tailgater. Once again, may I remind you, I am in traffic.  And the fool is ten inches from my bumper.

Now why, pray tell, does this person think it is appropriate or advantageous to drive centimeters from my bumper with his aggressive lights blaring in my mirrors in TRAFFIC? We are NOT GOING ANYWHERE. No matter how close you are to my car, there are two hundred thousand more cars in front of mine. There is no conceivable way to go faster.

To add insult to injury, remember this is stop and go traffic, so I am going and then stopping. Gas, then brake. So as you tailgate me, you fool, you are pretty much risking rear ending me every time I hit the brake. And if you dare rear end me I will come out of that car like a puma and be all over you. Trust me, after a day at work, I am just looking for it. So get off my butt.

Proceed down the highway and reach exit twenty seven (tailgater is still present, I am still in the slow lane). Exit twenty seven, in case you do not know, is the entrance to Route 8 which heads to the valley. There is a fourth lane at this point that forms so people can all line up in there like nice little boys and girls and get on the entrance ramp.

But do you really think this happens? Um no.

Rather, fool number three in front of me will suddenly realize feet from passing the exit that OMGZ I HAVE TO GET TO ROUTE 8. Insert brake slam here. On a hill. On an interstate.  Coming to a dead stop, with fool number two - the tailgater - still on my bumper. Luckily my reaction time is quick enough that I avoid a three car pileup. Luckily fool number two is also paying attention. Fool number three remains a road hazard, dead stopped in the middle of the interstate until they can bully their way into the line that everyone else had waited patiently in. Fool number two has since cut into the center lane aggressively in front of another innocent driver and is off to risk a rear end with someone else.

Phew, I am home free till Milford. Oh how optimistic …

I continue to travel down the interstate until I meet up with the inevitable fool number four. The compulsive braker. No, there is nothing in front of him. No, there is no other car braking. No, I am not tailgating. No, there is no good reason why every five seconds he is hitting his brakes. Besides to irritate me and make me think the first five times that there must be a hazard ahead. At about time six I figure out it is just another fool and either aggressively honk my horn with the frustration of it all or change lanes. It depends what kind of day I’ve had.

By now I am in the construction zone between Stratford and Milford. The road is admittedly bumpy, which apparently makes it okay for fool number five to drive half in my lane and half in his.  I’m guessing that a bumpy road makes it permissible to ignore the lines that are painted on it. I didn’t learn that in driving school but I guess fool number five did so I’ll just have to go with it and drive ten miles per hour slower than him since there is no safe way to pass until the road gets smooth again.

At last we have reached Milford, which looks like Mecca at this point. I am anticipating my couch, my hot tub, my boyfriend and BOOM. Dead stop. And this time I mean DEAD.

Guess why?

Fool number six has decided to drive over eighty and flipped his car which now lies across at least two lanes. So all of us who actually deserve the privilege of driving have to wait in the mess fool six has created and endure another twenty minutes (at least) of day dreaming (by now night dreaming) about home. 

Unless of course, we get onto the Post Road …

So I do. Because I am impatient and I would rather be moving then stopped. I am not sure who put the idea in my head that if I got on the Post Road I would move. It is a parking lot. Thanks fool number six, thanks a whole lot.

I put up with the poorly timed lights, I put up with the slow speed of travel, and I am ALMOST home, one left turn and I’m on my street and BOOM fool number seven. Lucky seven. Yes, he is stopped waiting at a light clearly blocking my street. Yes, he could have stopped further back since there is a lane of TRAVEL he is BLOCKING. And by now I haven’t a shred of patience left. So I honk my horn. And fool number seven has the AUDACITY to get angry at me. Right as it is about to be war, the light turns green and I decide I would rather be home than dealing with a fool.

Finally I am safe in my driveway … and then the kids up the street fly by in their rally cars …
Oh Jeez … Here we go again

Tis the Season

Gosh I wish I was young again. Maybe then I wouldn’t be such a cynic. But now, properly jaded at the ripe old age of twenty five, I sincerely dread the holiday of Christmas.

Here are the reasons that Christmas has ceased to be cool:

1.       Human beings … EVERYWHERE.

First, last night I went to drive home at the end of my long and tedious work day.

A commute which should take about twenty minutes took forty five.

I had to travel miles out of my way through roads I didn’t even know existed to get home.

Do you know why?

Because of HOLIDAY traffic.

Because some people are lucky enough to have this week off or just not work at all and have to sit their lazy asses in front of my car. Or they are buying into the rampant commercialism of the season. Or they just don’t know how to drive.

In any case, get the hell out of my way. I just want to go home and isolate.

Then, the night prior (mind you, it was a MONDAY night) I made the utterly ignorant mistake of gracing the doorway of a mall. Not only was it Monday but it was NINE PM. I thought I was safe. Guess again. Everyone and their short bus riding mother was jam packed in that hell hole. Oh and that was AFTER getting in an argument with the inept employees at Lowes who didn’t know how to process a return.  Joy to the world and looking forward to tonight.

2.       The concept of gifts.

There are so many reasons I hate this concept. Let’s start at the first.

I don’t know what to get people.

Ever.

I could be your twin separated at birth and I still won’t know what to get you. I am an absolute clueless gift giver. Surprising people is pretty much out of the question because I am either too insecure about my gifts to think outside of the box or I have too little of a memory to remember something you may have mentioned in the past. When it comes down to it, I just SUCK at giving gifts.

 Second, it costs a crap load of money which could be put to better use.

Now don’t get me wrong, I will spend thousands on someone I love and not think twice about it (well that was a lie but you know … usually price isn’t a factor unless we are talking a Lexus). However, I find there could be much better uses of both my and your money such as saving for a vacation (or for that Lexus). I guess I am just a natural born saver (thanks Dad!).  While I should be so happy about giving and receiving gifts all I am worried about is how not only my credit card statement is looking but how yours is going to look as well.

Oh, you shouldn’t have … really. I mean it.

3.       Christmas music.

It SUCKS.

All of it.

It is overdone, same thing over and over, every single year. How many times do I have to listen to bells jingling, Santa on your roof and commercialism put to music? And those stations that play Christmas music for like thirty days? What in GOD’S name (literally - in the baby JESUS’S name) are you thinking? I do believe we could torture the terrorists into admitting every transgression just by making them listen to Star 99 nonstop every day from Thanksgiving to Christmas.

Christmas music does not cheer me up. It makes me angry. It annoys me. It especially annoys me when I am sitting in traffic trying to get to the mall to buy gifts and it is playing on every station (please refer back to 1&2). Don’t worry; I promptly change the station to hip hop. Ah, cash and hoes, now that’s more like it!

4.       Forced social situations.

Thankfully this year there are less than normal because I try to avoid any party situation if possible.  Plus my place of employment didn’t have a Christmas get together (no comment). However, any time of the year is a horrible time of the year for a forced social situation. It just seems they happen more frequently during the holiday season. Somehow people come up with the brilliant idea that we all need to gather, sit around, eat, gain weight and tell bullshit lies about how great our lives are in order to get in the holiday spirit. Well guess what? Everything isn’t always hunky dory here, but congrats on your AWESOME life. Now I will proceed to avoid you until this time next year.

5.       The weather.

OMGZ I hope it is a white Christmas!!!

Well guess what? I DON’T.

Do you know why?

Because I HATE snow.

I HATE precipitation.

I HATE that I live in a place with four seasons and I especially HATE all of you who get like a fiend that just took a hit of crack when you see snow in the forecast.

The weather this time of year sucks. It is dark, cold and miserable.

Kinda like I am.

6.       The advertisements.

One more “every kiss begins with k” ad and I may vomit. Let’s blissfully ice skate around a picturesque pond punctuated by the miserable snow (see above). But we are so pleasantly happy and do you know why? Because we are in love. And we are getting married. Just like the rest of the known universe. Congrat-u-fucking-lations.

Or how about that Folger’s one where the brother comes home? “You are my present this year” - direct quote from this vomit inducing piece of propaganda.  He says something about Africa and based on that I assume he was on one of those saving the world missions because duh, he is perfect, just like their coffee.

Then we come to the booze commercials followed by the anti-DUI commercials. Mixed messages much?

Let’s start with if you drink Bailey’s you will have an awesome time, followed by hooking up with someone you shouldn’t have, starting an inappropriate fight and getting in the car to head home. Except for watch out! The cops are in full force (insert stern warning here) and there is NOTHING that ruins the holidays more than a dead carcass on the road. So they are going to bust your ass, or you are going to kill someone and ruin this Christmas and every Christmas to follow for their family.

Good times Bailey’s, good times. Please drink responsibly (oxymoron).

Disclaimer: NONE of these commercials make me want anything to do with these companies and I could probably go on about ten more possibly making a post dedicated to ads … something  to think about.

7.       The TV Specials

This should probably fall under the songs because it is along the same lines. Ridiculously sappy, overdone plot line, boring and tedious. This would be fine if they segregated these atrocities to one channel that I could choose not to watch. Yet they have to spread them liberally over normally decent stations that broadcast normally decent programming. When I want to watch a Dateline about a crazed husband killing his wife, I am NOT going to sub it out with a Christmas  movie a second grader could have written. Thanks but no thanks.  

One exception: It’s a Wonderful Life, because it is a classic and has a good message.

So thank you readers for listening to my list of things that make Christmas uncool. I’m sure there are about twenty I am missing because pretty much everything besides the decorations, the food, the people you choose to spend time with and the birth of Jesus sucks. Feel free to add if you can’t stand another facet of Christmas that I have neglected to touch upon

Maybe when I have kids (IF I have kids) I will once more find magic in Christmas.

But until then, BAH HUMBUG.

The Official Bucket List (since the world is ending)

It has been quite some time since I have posted on the old blog but I have decided to resume for as long as my attention span holds out which will most likely be about a month. Probably not even.

It is almost the new year and the world is going to end in 2012 so I am totally looking forward to it. Most people look at me strangely when I say that. Most people look at me strangely period. But for the few that understand (aka Stephanie) the end of the world - barring it not being painful - should be pretty damn exciting.

BUT before the world ends there are a few things I want to do. So I better figure out how to fit them in before the whole thing falls apart.

Mission 1: Go into, tour and experience the full essence of a Stage 4 hoarder's home.

I hope it looks at least a little something like what you see above. It can always look worse, that is absoluely no problem. Of course because I have a severe aversion to bad odors I am going to require a mask for this adventure. Trust me, it wil be worth it.

Mission 2: Go to Pripyat and take pictures, tons and tons of pictures, wherever I want.

See? Look how cool it looks. Oh, and I don't care if there is nuclear fall out or you will get arrested by the Ukrainian police for trespassing or it not being possible unless you are a National Geographic photographer. This is MY bucket list and the world is going to end anyway so who cares about a little exposure?


Mission 3: Take a hiking tour of Laos.

Yes, they are next Vietnam. No, I don't care. It is still a beautiful country and very inexpensive to travel to. Plus I am curious. I mean honestly, how many people do YOU know that have been to Laos? That's what I thought ... NONE.

Mission 4: Eat Baked Alaska

First, let me say this is the only one that is slightly realistic and actually has the chance of happening to me before the world ends. Second, I must be honest and say I obtained the obsession with baked alaska through a credit card commercial. I didn't want to get the credit card but I sure as hell wanted to get the dessert.

Mission 5: Jump on a bed full of money.

It probably won't be mine. If it is, it will be ones

I am getting tired ... more to come I'm sure but for now, here are the first five that need to get done within the next three hundred and sixty five days. Anyone who wants to lend a hand feel free.